


wide awake before i found you (this must be my dream)

by magnetichearts



Series: for you are not beside but within me [3]
Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bickering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Pining, bed sharing, i had a lot of fun writing this, i hope you guys like it, tags will be added and updates as i continue to add to the story so, this is ben's pov of unseen and seen scenes in my fake marriage verse, zero word count control™️
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24545623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetichearts/pseuds/magnetichearts
Summary: So, here’s the thing. Ben’s been in love with Devi Vishwakumar for, oh, probably forever, give or take a bit. In actuality, it’s been about 2 years, but to Ben, it feels like he’s loved her for all of his life, that he’s loved her since before he’s known her.He couldn’t have helped it. Falling in love with Devi was like water rushing over a waterfall. It was slow, at first, and then picked up speed, and before he even knew what was happening, he was tumbling over the edge, hoping against hope that he didn’t smash against the rocks below.or; there are two people in a marriage, and there's a lot to be said on the other side (ben's pov in a ficlet series: before, during, and after their wedding)(title from “this must be my dream” by the 1975)
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Series: for you are not beside but within me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772719
Comments: 21
Kudos: 115





	1. let me tell you 'bout this girl

**Author's Note:**

> asdfghjkl i'm officially addicted to this universe. i literally did not think i would be here writing and posting this a day after i just posted the second work in this fic, but honestly what can i say? i love these two so damn much i don't even know how to properly articulate it. anyways, lots of you guys have been asking me for ben's pov, and i decided my story deserved the midnight sun treatment! i have no idea how many chapters this will be, but i can promise you the chapters will not be ridiculously long. if i'm going to write a super long fic, that'll be posted on its own. fic and chapter titles come from the same song.
> 
> this fic is structured very differently from my other fics. firstly, this will all be "missing" or "established" scenes written from ben's pov, but it will **not** serve as a sequel fic. secondly, these scenes will be written and posted in whatever order i see fit, so the narrative may not necessarily be linear. just wanted to inform you guys of that!!!
> 
> **if you have any suggestions for scenes you want me to write from ben's pov, please let me know!**
> 
> this is ben's pov of when devi asks him to marry her. i had a lot of fun writing in ben's voice, since i don't do it very frequently, and i hope you guys like this fic! it was incredibly enjoyable. for reference, this is set about six months before the final chapter of the first fic in this series! 
> 
> anyways this doubled in length because it's me and i roll like that, but who is surprised?? *crickets* yeah i thought so. 
> 
> ok thank you sm enjoy!!!!!!!

Devi asks him to marry her on a Wednesday. 

It starts out like any other day, to be honest, although Ben doesn’t know when he wakes up that it’ll be seared into his mind for the rest of his life, like a brand on his memory, a rusty nail sticking up from the floor. 

It starts, as it always does, with a phone call. 

He’s in his office running over some minor discrepancies in the hospital account (well within the expected threshold, to be honest, it was inhuman to expect everyone to keep perfect records of everything, and besides, he always worked it out, so he wasn’t worried) listening to some Paganini, when he gets the call. 

It’s Eleanor, and he’s a little confused, because while he and El are pretty good friends (they’d grown up together and had been initially wary of each other before circumstance tossed them together) she doesn’t normally call him on a random Wednesday. 

“El,” he says, shoving his papers away as he picks up the call. “What’s up?” 

“I was wondering if you would want to meet up for lunch?” she asks.

He leans back in his chair, tapping at its arm. This is...unusual, to say the least. Not unusual for him and El to have lunch, but definitely unusual for her to ask him on a Wednesday. And there’s something in her tone that makes goosebumps rise on his skin. 

El’s a fantastic, phenomenal actress, of course, but she can’t lie. And, the tone worries him. It’s that, if for no other reason, that he says yes. 

“Uh, yeah, I’d be happy to.” He swivels around in his chair and checks the clock on the wall. “How about Le Bonne Nuit at noon? I get my lunch break then.” 

El snorts through the phone. “You better be paying then. I can’t afford that place.” 

In spite of himself, Ben smiles. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you there.” 

“Thanks, Ben.” She hangs up without a further word, and Ben stares at his phone, before shaking his head as if to rid all thoughts from his mind, placing his phone back on his desk before getting back to work.

* * *

Ben checks his watch as he follows the hostess to their table. El had texted him she was running a bit late, so it is just him. As he sits down, a strange feeling rises up in his stomach, not quite nausea, but not quite nerves either. It’s...worry? He’s not exactly sure how to describe it, only that it’s strong and he can’t get rid of it. 

(and he does this, worry, because right now his friends are pretty much all he has, absentee parents notwithstanding, and ben’s terrified of losing them, of not having anyone else to spend time with and rely on. his friends are probably the most important thing in the world to him, and if something was going on with eleanor, then he wanted to help her in any way he could)

Ben opens the menu and orders a bottle of wine—Sauvignon blanc, of course—to their table as he waits for Eleanor to arrive. He’s sipping at his water when he hears Eleanor’s voice a few feet away. He glances up and freezes. 

What the  _ fuck _ was Devi doing here? 

So, here’s the thing. Ben’s been in love with Devi Vishwakumar for, oh, probably forever, give or take a bit. In actuality, it’s been about 2 years, but to Ben, it feels like he’s loved her for all of his life, that he’s loved her since before he’s known her. 

He couldn’t have helped it. Falling in love with Devi was like water rushing over a waterfall. It was slow, at first, and then picked up speed, and before he even knew what was happening, he was tumbling over the edge, hoping against hope that he didn’t smash against the rocks below. 

But yeah, he’s in love with her, and the worst part of the whole situation—for him, at least—is that he knows she doesn’t feel the same way back. He’d be surprised if she considered him a friend, in all honesty. They’re close, through Eleanor, mostly, but close enough so that Ben considers her one of his friends. Plus, they work together, so they see each other occasionally. But Ben’s in love with her, and so he knows her, and he knows she doesn’t love him. Not like he loves her. 

It’s not like, her fault, or anything. It’s just a sad, simple fact of the world, and he’s come to terms with it, after two years. There’s nothing he can do about it, besides wait for his feelings to die so he can stop being tortured by them. 

(he’ll never admit this to her, will never admit his feelings in a million years, but loving her  _ hurts, _ like a knife wound to the back, like a wound that wouldn’t stop. he knows this is not possible, but sometimes ben wonders if his heart has been afflicted with hemophilia, if it is unable to clot and stop the bleeding, if he lacks the specific coagulation factor in those cells for platelets, because his heart bleeds and bleeds and bleeds, and he feels the pain all the while) 

All of this flies through his brain in an utter panic as he sees Eleanor and Devi approach his table. And despite clearly having come from work, still dressed in her white coat, for god’s sakes, she  _ still _ looks impossibly beautiful, and his stupid, traitorous heart picks up speed as she nears. 

“Hey David,” he smirks, rising as she approaches. “I didn’t know you were crashing our little party. Must be nice to get invited somewhere for once.” 

“The only reason I came was because Eleanor said you were paying, Gross, and I’m gonna bleed you dry.” She sits down and flips open the menu, giving him a smirk that somehow stops his heart and sends it racing at the same time. 

Ben rolls his eyes as Eleanor sits across from them. “I didn’t know you had friends to have lunch with, David.” 

She easily flips him off as she replies, “More than you, that’s for sure.” 

“Ok!” El says, clapping her hands. “That is  _ not _ the point of this lunch at all, so if you two could please stop flirting for ten seconds, we might be able to get to the heart of the matter.” 

Ben feels his face explode red and drops his gaze to the menu, not daring to spare a glance at Devi, but Eleanor’s right. This wasn’t about him, it was about her. 

He sets his menu down and looks her in the eyes. “So, Eleanor, then what’s the problem?” 

Eleanor sighs. “It’s actually not a problem with me, it’s a problem with Devi.” 

Ben’s brows furrow. He glances over at Devi, who, suddenly, seems unable to meet his eyes. “You’re gonna have to be more specific, El. I’m sure David here has plenty of problems.” 

“Oh, fuck you, Gross.” 

“You wish.” 

“Guys!” Eleanor snaps. She gets up suddenly, snapping the clasp of her purse shut. “Devi,” she says, “I asked Ben here because time is running out and you were waffling on calling him, and I wasn’t going to wait any longer. Now, you tell him everything. And you, Ben,” she says, turning to him. “Hear her out before you say anything.” She tilts her head up and dramatically flips her hair behind her shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go run some lines.” 

She flounces away without another word, leaving Ben and Devi to stare at her, and then at each other. 

Before they can say anything, though, the waiter appears with the bottle of wine that Ben had ordered previously, and takes their lunch orders. 

He vanishes quickly, though, and Ben and Devi are left alone. 

He tries pointedly to think about how much this is  _ not _ a date, no matter how much his heart might ache for it to be, because there was no way in  _ hell _ Devi would ever go out on a date with him. It’s not possible, and so he needs to stop hoping for something that’s never going to be true. 

He doesn’t know what to say, really, so he chooses a tried and tested route: pushing Devi’s buttons. 

(and if the way she got when she was sniping at him, eyes dancing with mirth, dark and beautiful, skin flushed and the air crackling with energy, was something he rather enjoyed looking at, well sue him) 

“How can I be of help to you, David? I mean, no matter what it is, it only makes sense that you would choose me. I am the best, after all.” 

Devi rolls her eyes. “Oh, dear god, I’m already regretting this.” 

He laughs and crosses his arms. “Can’t regret anything if you haven’t done it, David. Come on, spill,” he nods. 

Devi presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose, sighing, and Ben follows the curve of her neck to her shoulders with his eyes, noticing that she seems incredibly tense. 

He leans forward and reaches a hand out, awkwardly hovering over her shoulder for a moment before lightly landing on it. “Are you ok?”

She jumps, and Ben pulls his hand away like he’s been burned. Fuck, that was a stupid decision, and he knew it. Just because he’s in love with her doesn’t give him the right to touch her without her consent and practically manhandle her. 

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t manhandling, but it was still disrespectful. 

“Fuck, sorry,” he mutters. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Or—or touch you.” 

Devi shakes her head. “No, it’s—it’s fine. I wasn’t upset.” 

Her eyes lock with his, and not for the first time, Ben feels his breath catch in his throat at the swirling depths her eyes seem to hold. In the dark they look almost black, like a black hole, and he thinks he could fall into them and never resurface, but now they look much lighter, almost a burnished brown, like the bottle of a glass, and Ben can’t help but reach out once more, lightly placing his hand on her arm. 

“It’s ok, Devi,” he reassures. “Whatever you need, I can help with.” 

Devi stares at him, hands fiddling with the napkin, twisting and tying it in her hands, before she drops it and takes her hands in his. “I need you to marry me.” 

_ What the fuck? _

He has nothing else to say, so he blurts out the only thing that comes to mind. “Uh, what the  _ fuck?” _

Devi sighs, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “I need you to marry me,” she repeats. “My work visa is coming to an end, and the best residency programs are here in the States. I’ve reapplied, but it was denied, and I’ve already overstayed my visa by about 100 days, so I need to find a way to stay in this country, now. And the easiest way to do that is by marrying someone.” 

“And you want to marry me?” he says dumbly. He feels like he’s been hit over the head with a sledgehammer. There was absolutely no way the girl he was in love with had just asked him to marry her. It’s not happening. Seriously. His brain might explode if he thinks she’s being serious.

Devi smirks. “Thought you would’ve been a bit quicker on the uptake there, Gross.” 

Oh, they’re back to insulting each other. Ok, good. That, he can do. 

“I mean, I just have to say, I’m really flattered, David. Honestly, I know I’m the obvious choice, what, with me being such a catch and all, and we all know you’re obsessed with me.” 

She sticks her tongue out at him as their food arrives. “You wish, Gross.” 

He winks at her as he picks up his fork. “Looks like my wish came true.” 

Devi groans, dropping her head into her hands. “Ok, please. Just, give me an answer. Will you do it?” 

He swallows, setting down his utensils and covering her hand with his. “Ok, Devi, just to be clear, you’re asking me to marry you, in a green card marriage, so you can get your green card and stay here in the US to apply for residency programs.” 

She nods. Underneath his hand, her hand flips over and laces their fingers together, and he thinks his heart thuds to a stop in his chest. 

Ben sighs. This is a big decision, and honestly, he’d rather he marry Devi than anyone else, but—does she know what she’s getting herself into?

“Devi,” he says quietly. “This is a  _ massive _ decision. Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? We’re going to have to live together, and spend most of our time together to pull this off. We’ll have to learn everything about each other and fabricate a backstory that’s believable. And,” he adds, smiling slightly, “you won’t be able to date. Though I don’t really think that’s a problem for you.” 

Devi makes a face at him and smacks him in the chest. “God, you’re insufferable,” she mutters. 

He raises his eyebrows. “Not wrong, though, am I?” 

She stabs her fork at her food. “No, no, you’re not. But I did think about all of that, Ben, and I still came to the same conclusion. I want to stay here, and I want to marry you so I can do it.” Her gaze softens, and for the first time since he’s known her, she looks vulnerable, like she’s opening up an old wound. “You’re my friend, Ben. I trust you. Please? Can you help?” 

(and this is the moment when ben knows he’s going to say yes, because not only was he in love with devi, he was her friend, and he’d do anything for his friends, anything at all, and besides, how could he ever even dream of refusing her when she looked at him like that, like he was the only thing she needed?) 

Ben swallows roughly. Fuck, he’s pathetic, isn’t he? 

“Yes. Yes, of course, Devi. I’ll help you. I’ll marry you.”

She smiles at him them, a bright, genuine smile that sets his heart racing, and from that moment on, he swears that he will do whatever possible to draw that same smile out of her, to make her look at him like that, like everything in the world paled in comparison to what was in front of her. 

“Thank you. Really, thank you.” 

“You’re my friend, Devi,” he says quietly, unable to look her in the eyes. “And plus, your other friends are here as well. I wouldn’t want to be the reason you can’t stay here with them.” 

He wants to stab himself, because he was so dumb, fake marrying the girl he was hopelessly, hopelessly in love with so that she could get a green card. And he isn’t foolish, because he knows no matter how long this marriage might last—and if Devi has anything to say about it, it probably won’t be long—he knows he’s never going to be able to be with someone else ever again. He’s known it from the moment he fell in love with Devi, that she was it for him, and that he’d never be able to love someone else. 

(it fucking annoys him, the way everyone says ‘love is patient and kind and honest’, because ben can tell you that love is  _ not  _ like that, thank you very much, love is  _ painful, _ and it cuts you open without a care in the world, it eviscerates you and tears you to pieces with its claws; love is not the lure of true love’s kiss, but the wolf, lurking in the woods, ready to pray on unsuspecting victims. perhaps it is bold, but love is also selfish, because ben is selfish right now, marrying her so he can have her to himself, so no one else could do this for her. was there anything good about love? was there anything pure about it? it was painful, and it hurt him, and he, for the first time in his life, understands the legend of troy, how love and pain can be so intricately intertwined)

Sometimes, he hates himself for it, but there’s nothing he can do. 

He loves her, plain and simple, and if he has to pretend  _ not _ to love her, then so be it. He’ll do anything for her, anything at all, and breaking his own heart isn’t even an option when the other one is losing Devi. 

He smiles at her then, tries to be reassuring, although he’s aware he probably just looks a bit constipated. “So, why exactly did you choose me? Was it because of my dashing good looks.” He gasps, snapping his fingers together as if something’s just occurred to him. “Or are you secretly a gold digger and is this a ploy to get all of my money?” 

“Keep that shit up, Gross, and you won’t make it to the altar.” 

Ben pouts at her, propping his below on the table, chin in his hand. “Oh, you shouldn’t talk to your fiancé like that, Devi.” 

“I fucking hate you.” 

He gasps. “I’m really not feeling the love right now.” 

She rolls her eyes at him. “I’m already regretting this.” 

Ben laughs. “So, when do we start planning the wedding?” 

She smacks him with her napkin in response, but she’s laughing as well, and despite the ache in his heart, Ben knows he made the right decision in saying yes to her. 

(and if this fills some lonely, painful part of him, being married to her in nothing but name but loving her in every fucking sense of the word, then he’ll take it. he’ll take what he can get. loving her is like a disease, like a sickness he can’t kick—she hadn’t meant for him to fall for her, hadn't had any malicious intent, but—this love—it’s a virus, warping his cells and taking him over, making him simply the host to an infection that ravages him without any other choice. her smile is like a vector, gracing him with beauty while infecting him, making him love her. loving her is the most painful thing he’s ever done, and yet, he can’t stop, the disease so firmly entrenched in his body it’ll never die) 

She’ll never love him in the same way he loves her, he’s sure of that, he  _ knows _ that, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help her, can’t be there for her in whatever way she needs. And besides, they’re already good friends. He doesn’t need anything else from her, and he won’t, he  _ won’t _ , ask for anything else from her. If he hurt her, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. 

Ben tells himself that it’s ok she doesn’t love him back—as Devi chatters on about her day, and the annoying patient she currently has, and he admires the way her hair shines under the light, the way her eyes sparkle—to reassure his bruised heart. He tries to nod along and smile with her, enjoying this time he gets. 

He doesn’t believe it, but he has to. He has no other choice. 


	2. so why is this feeling on my chest?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Devi,” he says, tentatively stepping into the room. “Devi, are you all right?” She slumps, as though the energy required to keep her body upright is too much for her._
> 
> _She lets out a choked sob then, and he disregards any hesitations he previously held and goes to her side, crouching down beside her bed to look her in the eyes. “Hey. I heard some noises. Are you ok?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i didn't think that i would be back so quickly with a new chapter, but here we are! **this is a rewriting of the bed sharing scene in the third chapter of my fake marriage fic.** i hope you guys like it! i'm not exactly sure how it ended up being longer than the original scene considering i cut a majority of the dialogue, but that's how i roll so, you know. 
> 
> next up: i've been deprived of writing ben and devi's banter, so i think we need to see a little more of that ;) as always, please let me know if you guys want to see any particular scenes from ben's pov!
> 
> k thank you enjoy!!!!!!!

Ben jolts awake to a faint sound coming from next door. 

He’s always been a light sleeper, easily waking up at the slightest of sounds, and he’s never been more grateful for that fact until now, because he realizes the sound is coming from Devi’s room. 

He practically throws himself out of bed, fear gripping his gut when he hears another sound. What if something’s happening to her? What if she’s in trouble?

It’s barely a two second walk from his door to hers, but it feels like an eternity. The door’s unlocked, but the room is dark, and he gently pushes open the door to see Devi sitting up on her bed. The tension leaches out of his body instantly when he sees she’s alone, and he pushes the door open a bit further, and the creak makes her head shoot up. 

For a second, she tenses, as if she’s afraid of him, but in the dim light given off by the hallway, he sees recognition flash through her eyes. 

“Devi,” he says, tentatively stepping into the room. “Devi, are you all right?” She slumps, as though the energy required to keep her body upright is too much for her. 

She lets out a choked sob then, and he disregards any hesitations he previously held and goes to her side, crouching down beside her bed to look her in the eyes. “Hey. I heard some noises. Are you ok?”

As soon as he asks the question, he wants to kick himself. He’s just found her with tear tracks running down her face, panting as if she’s run a marathon instead of simply waking up. Of course she’s not ok. What kind of idiotic question was that?

She opens her mouth, as if to speak, but then closes it and shakes her head. 

He’s worried about her. Devi’s never been like this, so overwhelmed with emotion that she can’t breathe, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. 

Back when he got like this, the only thing that could calm him down was touch. And he’s never been more terrified of anything in his life, but, if Devi needs him, he’s not going to refuse her. Not unless she tells him to go away. 

“Ok,” he says, climbing up onto the bed. For a split second, he wonders whether or not to do this, but then notices she’s shaking. Fuck this. He’s going to help her in the only way he knows how. 

He pulls her to him, rubbing his hand down her back like he wishes someone had done for him when he had a nightmare. “You don’t have to explain. Just breathe.” 

She buries her head into his side and he thinks his heart stops. Ragged breaths puff out onto his shirt, and he can feel the pounding of her heart from where her chest is pressed into his side. She deserves more. He wishes he could do something more than just sit here, wishes he could banish all her demons and keep her safe, but he can’t. Plus, Ben’s never been her knight in shining armor. No, Devi is her own warrior, and he loves her all the more for it. 

(he’d be lying, though, if he says he doesn’t wish she needs him. it’s a stupid, sexist wish, and he knows that, but he  _ loves _ her. he needs  _ her. _ sometimes, he wishes she felt the same about him, and then when he realizes what he’s thinking, he wants to slap himself in the face. he needs to stop acting like he’s entitled to any of her feelings now that they’re married and because he loves her. she doesn’t owe him anything. but god, he wishes she would want to give him something) 

He presses a kiss to her head a few times, but he can tell she’s not ready to talk. So he does the only thing he can think of: make her laugh. 

Somehow, recounting the story of his stupid science experiment with his mom’s glass vase seems to do the trick. Since she’s curled into his side, he can feel her body relax, slump into him as if a weight has been taken off her shoulders, and it’s worth embarrassing himself so that she feels better. 

(what wouldn’t he do for her, is the real question, and the one he never lets himself ask)

And it helps, because the sound of her laugh is like a balm to his aching soul. 

He’s smiling down at her when she finally admits what happened. “I had a dream about my dad.” 

Oh.  _ Oh. _ Ben doesn’t know much about Devi’s father, in all honesty. All he knows is that her dad passed away from a heart attack when she was fifteen, and that she was incredibly close to him when he died. He’s one of the topics Ben  _ never _ pushes Devi on, ever. Ben can be a dick, he’s well aware of that fact, but he’s not cruel. He’s not going to bring up her dead dad if she’s not ready or if he’s curious. So, he waits for her to come to him. For her to talk to him.

“I think this was the first year I forgot the anniversary was approaching,” she admits, and Ben can  _ see _ the guilt in her eyes as she says it. “You know, it hasn’t even been that long, he’s only been gone for twelve years, but every year before now, it was like it occupied every piece of my mind. But this year, I didn’t even realize the date was coming up until you mentioned it.” 

He can do nothing but pull her closer to him, and thankfully, she reciprocates, holding tightly to him. How else is he supposed to help her? This is one demon neither of them know how to slay. 

But when she admits her deepest fears, of forgetting her father, he starts to understand where the nightmares are coming from, where the grief and sadness is coming from. Ben’s never been through this, losing a parent, but he knows what it feels like to have a hole in your heart, in your soul, to be empty and no matter how hard you try, that hole never gets filled. 

He pulls away from her the slightest bit, not enough so that she stops hugging him, but enough so that he can cup her face with his hands. His thumbs brush over her soft, _ soft _ skin, and he presses his fingers against her chin so her head tilts up and she can look him in the eyes.

“Your dad isn’t someone you can forget, Devi,” he says. “He’s not like that. He’s a part of you, more than you even know. I know you’re scared of forgetting who he was, but that’s ok. I can’t promise you won’t forget those things, but I can promise you you’ll never forget the most important thing in the world: how he loved you.” 

He wants to pull the words back and burn them as soon as he says them, but he can’t. What sort of half-assed comfort was that? He can’t bring her father back to her, he can’t promise her she’s not going to forget him, because he won’t lie to her, but what else can he say? What else can he promise her? That he’ll be here the whole time, supporting her? That she can always rely on him?

(both of those things come too close to sounding like he is promising to love her forever, and while he has already promised both of those things to himself, he cannot promise them to her. plus, now would be the  _ most _ inopportune time in the world, even if he  _ was _ considering telling her, which he’s not. he can’t tell her how he feels. he never will) 

He holds his breath in anticipation as he waits for her response, and her answering smile, however small, draws the weight off of his shoulders. 

And then she’s holding his hand—fuck, she’s holding his hand, and he’s forgotten how to breathe again. What was it about this girl that made him lose all sense of who he was, made him forget everything in the world but her? 

He thinks of his own parents for a split second, and as always, the war of emotion starts up in him. He loves them, god, he loves them, he doesn’t think he can stop, but they were never there for him, not in the way he needed them to be. 

It’s Devi’s voice that breaks him out of his trance as she thanks him, and he smiles at her. 

He can tell something is wrong though, by the way her eyebrows draw together, and she sits up a bit more fully, looking at him with those dark, dark eyes that could rival outer space with their beauty. 

(perhaps that is what devi is, a constellation, two eyes that shine as bright as stars with a smile that could rival the sun, a black hole at the heart of it, unabashedly sucking him in, he, helpless against the pull of her magnetic gravity. perhaps she is his way home, his north star, the celestial body he relies on to find himself again. it is easy to see how the stars have captivated people for millennia, because if they are anything like devi, he does not understand how one would  _ not _ be captivated by them. she takes his breath away, ever time) 

And then she asks the question he has been dreading ever since they met. “What about you? What about your parents?” 

Ben clenches his jaw and looks away from her. He doesn’t want to answer her, doesn’t want to peel back the layer of pain that exists, doesn’t want to deal with whatever the fuck his messed up relationship with his parents is, but he can’t just say nothing. And plus, in the grand scheme of things, with her dead dad, his absentee parents were—not a big deal.

“They’re not like yours, Devi,” he whispers. “I don’t really know how to talk about them.” 

She promises to listen to him, though, and the thing is, he  _ knows _ she’s not lying, that she truly means, it, because Devi can let nothing go unpaid, and he knows she sees him sitting with her as a debt, but the thing is, he—he doesn’t know how to talk about them. 

But he does. He tries, at least, and even when he tries to convince Devi that it doesn’t matter, he’s never spoken about it before and his walls come crashing down. It’s—fucking pathetic, is what it is, but the floodgates have opened, and he can’t stop himself from telling her how they have made him feel. 

And then she’s hugging him, and she smells like everything good in the world, like  _ home, _ and it feels like this one hug, this one touch of her against him, makes up for the thousands of hugs he’s never gotten, the thousands of absent kisses and distracted pats, the the thousands of moments he’s never gotten with his parents. 

(and in the deep, dark, recesses of his heart he does not let anyone else see, he knows it does not. he knows that the pain is there, that it will come bursting out one day, that there are thousands of things he has not yet talked to her about. and when he admits to her that no one has ever wanted him, perhaps a very,  _ very _ small part of him wants her to admit she wants him. but she doesn’t, and so he accepts his fate and tries to make himself happy with it)

He makes a dumb joke about therapy, and then she’s drawing back from him and framing her face with his hands, and his heart just—stops, in his chest. 

“No, Ben. You are wanted. Trust me. You are one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re such an amazing person, and I’m sorry your parents can’t see that. They were so lucky to have someone like you.” 

Ben hates the fact that his heart breaks a little in this moment, because this, this is the truth of what is between them: nothing more than friendship. And he hates himself because his heart is not satisfied with that, even though he should be. 

Devi is bright and beautiful, and to think that he could even hope for something more than friendship with her would be to chase a fool’s dream. And he does not have the right to want anything more from her. He loves being her friend. He gets to pelt her with popcorn and debate  _ Riverdale, _ he gets to hear her laugh and snap at him and cook with her, he gets a million things out of her friendship and to give that all up because he doesn’t get her kisses or to hear her say she loves him—that’s something a fool would do, and he’s not a fool. 

He is her friend, and Ben cherishes that fact like one would cherish a diamond or a piece of gold, like one would cherish a family member or a friend, because their friendship is alive and well and breathing, and he is not going to kill it. He cannot. He can’t survive, without her as his friend. He’s sure of it. 

“Thank you, Devi,” he murmurs, thumb brushing over her cheekbone. He wants to kiss her  _ so badly, _ so much it  _ hurts, _ but he stuffs that impulse down and snuffs it before it erupts into a blazing fire he cannot control. “I’ll let you sleep, now.” 

He moves off of her bed and means to leave the room when he feels her hand wrap around his wrist. 

“Wait! I—I know this is a lot to ask, but would you mind staying here tonight?” Her gaze falls to her bed, and he’s glad because she can’t see him gaping at her like an idiot. “Just—just until I fall asleep.” 

Her eyes then flicker up to look at him, and Ben deeply hopes the shock that’s swirling in his gut is not written all over his face. 

This is dangerous. This is treading into territory he can’t cross, things they do not do with one another. They do not share the same bed, they do not touch each other casually, they do not do things that lovers did. Because she is not in love with him, and he has to remember that. 

He needs to keep his own sanity, and so he can’t say yes. He can’t, he really, really can’t. 

So, naturally, because it’s Devi, he says yes. 

(how can he deny her anything?)

“Yeah. Yeah, of course, Devi. Whatever you need.”

She sighs, and he can see the flicker of relief cross her face, even though Ben wishes she wouldn’t look so happy, if only to soothe his aching heart. These lines are being dangerously blurred, and he’s worried he might do something stupid, like, try and kiss her. 

He runs his hand down her back absently, lost in his own thoughts, but she tucks herself further into his side, eyes fluttering closed. 

“Fuck,” he mutters, so quiet he knows she can’t hear him. What the  _ fuck _ was he doing?

No. The second she falls asleep, he’ll leave and go back to his bed, and his skin won’t sear at her touch and he won’t think about the way she smells as he stares at the ceiling. 

But then she reaches out and grips his shirt, clutching in her hand and burying her head into his side, and he can’t move without waking her up. He’s frozen, and he groans, tipping his head back and letting it smack against the headboard. 

It’s another twenty sleepless minutes before he realizes his hand is still tracing circles on her hip, and he jerks away like he’s been burned. 

(and he has, hasn’t he? he’s been burned in the worst way possible, and now it feels like his heart is leaking out into his chest. but he chose this, and he chose her, and he’ll continue to do so at his own expense for the rest of his life)

But eventually, exhaustion wins over, and Ben moves further down the bed without even thinking about it, arm still wrapped around Devi. He spares one last glance at her, soundly asleep, before he closes his eyes, and hopes that sleep will give his heart a reprieve, at least for a little bit. 

It probably won’t, but he can pretend, and here, with her wrapped up in his arms, safe and sound next to him, is the closest he’s ever going to get to being with her, and so he is going to remember this moment for the both of them, hold it precious and perfect in his heart. 

He traces a hand down her face, tucking her hair behind her ear, before he closes his eyes and falls asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments and kudos make me happier than fabiola building robots!! come talk to me about the show! you can find me on tumblr: @[parkersedith](https://parkersedith.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> your comments and kudos make me happier than eleanor watching bootleg musicals! come talk to me about the show! you can find me on tumblr: @[parkersedith](https://parkersedith.tumblr.com)


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